Where is Hell?

Lying is bad. I've known it all of my life. I've been taught that lying is one of the worst things a person can do. It destroys relationships and hurts people. I found out last night, and have since come to realize, that there is no such thing as a small, white lie.

As those who know me know, I have spent a lot of my life, approximately one-half, lying about myself, my actions, and trying to shunt responsibility for my actions to someone else by lying to others and to myself. Last year at this same time of the year, I had hoped that my lying was done, and that my facility for lying had been expunged from myself.

Last night, Valerie was mad at me for something I had done by trying to help her. In other words, I hindered more than I helped, and she was frustrated about it. So, she went in to the couch, while I tried to rectify the situation. I thought that it would be all right if I told her that I actually had done the thing she had asked me to do, even though I hadn't. I didn't want her to be mad at me anymore.

However, I failed to consider the consequences of my "white" lie. With trying to help myself, I feel like I have damaged a year's worth of trust and goodwill, by telling my lie. It wasn't that I had made her frustrated, but that I had tried to tell her something that wasn't true, in order to try and help myself. She knows that I have lied to her in the past about myself, and that I have been trying to do better. However, all the progress is wiped away when one is caught, either by my own admission, or she finds out.

"Wo unto the liar, for he shall be thrust down to hell." Well, that's where I am right now. How can she trust me when I say things to her? How can she trust me when I try to tell her the truth? I'm screwed, basically. Hell on earth...

The other part of this situation disturbs me greatly. I didn't even consider the ramifications of my lie. I felt no stirrings of conscience, no Spirit whispering what I should do. I didn't think about anything. The only thought I had was that it was a good idea to try and get her to be happy again, by any means. STUPID! So much for trying to do better.

And even though it's hard for my goo to believe me, I am so sorry for what I did. Never again will I give you an opportunity to doubt me or my trustworthiness. Complete honesty from now on, whether or not you are upset with me. I'm so sorry. I hope that someday you can forgive me, and trust me. I love you. I'm sorry.